It's late and all I keep thinking about is how The Story is about to get dark. If you don't hate me yet, there is still plenty to my story.
I told my dad first. He just said, "Duh, I knew." I got fired from my job for not informing them and besides I was only a temp, and there were plenty of people to take my spot. When I told my best friend, who wasn't by this time, he set up a time to come and meet him. He met him once and was moving to Texas to go to college. I never pushed my son on him because I knew that "best friend" was trying to start his own life. After all, I was only 18 and he was only 19.
After loosing my job, I hung out at my babysitter's house allot more. I started smoking pot and drinking. Mostly drinking. I met a new guy and we just had a casual relationship, with casual sex, even though we didn't have feelings for each other. We were driving around town one day and ran into one of his friends that needed a place to crash because he just got out of prison. Why not move in with me. Two kids and a casual relationship living there already. (sarcasm) Anyway, I fell in love with the ex-con. Blind love. He played good with the kids and didn't do as many drugs as "casual relationship" did. Even though I couldn't pay my bills and finding food to feed my kids was hard, he always made it feel like everything was going to be alright.
Mom thought that she would come out to Ohio and visit. Meet the new baby and all. She was downright disgusted with what she saw. No electricity. Not much food. No money for even toilet paper. I was bald again because we had lice issues. She told me to be packed in a week. That her and my step-dad were taking me and the kids back to Pennsylvania with them. I left all other property behind and my "ex-con".
I got a job the week I moved back and started saving for "ex-con" to move to Pennsylvania with us. We landed ourselves our own place. I stopped drinking but we both still smoked pot. He was even able to get a job. We were doing very well, until we met another couple. They lived in a motel. We would go over there all the time because we didn't have heat in our house. The landlord never fixed it. We stopped paying rent on the place until he fixed the heat and he said he wouldn't fix it until he got the rent. We both lost out.
We ended up moving back to Ohio and in with "ex-cons" sister. He said that he couldn't live in Pennsylvania anymore because he was homesick. What can I say I was in "love" and my daughter called him daddy. His sister eventually told us that we couldn't stay with her and her family anymore because they would be evicted for having too many tenants. We decided to move to a motel. Not a nice one either. At the time I was the only one with a job. "Ex-con" said that nobody would hire him. I found out later that he never looked. I eventually lost my ride to and from work and there are no buses that run like they do around here. They don't even have buses. My work was over an hour away. Welcome to the middle of nowhere Ohio. I ended up losing my job.
Come to find out I was about to lose more then that.....
I lost allot of peoples trust through this part of my life. I hurt allot of people. I thank God today that most of those people have forgiven me and gave me chance after chance. If you think this is the worst of it and you aren't disgusted yet, I just want to warn you that The Story isn't over. I do urge those that have just met me or have known me for only a little while, that you remember that I am not this person anymore and even I look back at this person and become disgusted. I want to share so that you may know that even evil like this can come back to the Lord and be forgiven.
Wednesday, February 29, 2012
Secrets and lies
Mom used to say that I always wanted to help the underdog. I guess this is one of those times. I called up my mom and told her that my friend and I were both kicked out, even though it was just her. I knew that my mom wouldn't let me go out onto the street and that she would take in my friend Kristal also. After all Kristal was my mom's best friends' niece.
Kristal thought that it was too boring at the house one night and decided to take a walk into town. She was hit by a car along the way. It hurt her but she was alright and decided to move in with her aunt at that point. Situation update; living back at home with Mom and my step-dad, whom I ran away from when I was 17. It was allot harder this time because I didn't have my brother living there. He was living in Ohio with my dad.
When I would call Dad he would plead with me to come out and live with him, but I had a secret. I was pregnant again and knew how he felt last time. I was too scared to tell anyone that I was pregnant. I didn't know who the father was, how far along I was, and how others were going to react this time around. My step-dad and I finally had a breaking point and I called Dad.
I moved in with Dad, his new wife, and my brother. I loved Dad's new wife. I continued to keep my secret. I was able to get a job and find a trailer for my daughter and I to rent. I found a babysitter also. She was super nice and had grand kids herself. She just had one quirk and that's when I entered a new world. She sold marijuana right out of her house. Besides the obvious, I thought she was great with my daughter and was cheap. I had no friends when I moved out to Ohio, so when I had any free time, I would spend it at their house. I didn't at the time partake in the pot. I think they were amazed at that. Every time I met somebody else, they all seemed to smoke.
Anyway, back to my secret. Dad always suspected, but I always assured him by saying " if I was I would know it". At my job, my boss pulled me to the side and asked and I had told him no. Nobody seemed to push the issue. I even started dating a guy from my work, we had sex and he never asked me. I just kinda forgot about being pregnant. Sad. One morning at around six-thirty, my water broke and I had to tell my date that I was pregnant and had to go to the hospital. He was surprised, but not mad.
I got to the hospital, which was 12 miles from my house, and told them that I was going to have a baby. They started asking me questions but I told them that I needed to push him out. They immediately rushed me to a room and told me to wait for the doctor to get there before I start pushing. To be honest I don't know if she was there or not, but I do remember telling them that I wasn't waiting and that somebody needed to catch him.
It should of been a magical moment, but all I kept thinking was how I was going to tell people. Dad, work, my son's dad. When I found out that my son was to term, it became super easy to narrow down that it was my best friends.
It is never a good idea to tell lies. Secrets are lies. It was suppose to be my son's day and all I could think of was myself. I never knew who to turn to,where to go. Believe me I did pray to God, but never knew which god. I hated him very much though. It had to be all his fault, right? No. My actions. My free will.
Until next time....
Kristal thought that it was too boring at the house one night and decided to take a walk into town. She was hit by a car along the way. It hurt her but she was alright and decided to move in with her aunt at that point. Situation update; living back at home with Mom and my step-dad, whom I ran away from when I was 17. It was allot harder this time because I didn't have my brother living there. He was living in Ohio with my dad.
When I would call Dad he would plead with me to come out and live with him, but I had a secret. I was pregnant again and knew how he felt last time. I was too scared to tell anyone that I was pregnant. I didn't know who the father was, how far along I was, and how others were going to react this time around. My step-dad and I finally had a breaking point and I called Dad.
I moved in with Dad, his new wife, and my brother. I loved Dad's new wife. I continued to keep my secret. I was able to get a job and find a trailer for my daughter and I to rent. I found a babysitter also. She was super nice and had grand kids herself. She just had one quirk and that's when I entered a new world. She sold marijuana right out of her house. Besides the obvious, I thought she was great with my daughter and was cheap. I had no friends when I moved out to Ohio, so when I had any free time, I would spend it at their house. I didn't at the time partake in the pot. I think they were amazed at that. Every time I met somebody else, they all seemed to smoke.
Anyway, back to my secret. Dad always suspected, but I always assured him by saying " if I was I would know it". At my job, my boss pulled me to the side and asked and I had told him no. Nobody seemed to push the issue. I even started dating a guy from my work, we had sex and he never asked me. I just kinda forgot about being pregnant. Sad. One morning at around six-thirty, my water broke and I had to tell my date that I was pregnant and had to go to the hospital. He was surprised, but not mad.
I got to the hospital, which was 12 miles from my house, and told them that I was going to have a baby. They started asking me questions but I told them that I needed to push him out. They immediately rushed me to a room and told me to wait for the doctor to get there before I start pushing. To be honest I don't know if she was there or not, but I do remember telling them that I wasn't waiting and that somebody needed to catch him.
It should of been a magical moment, but all I kept thinking was how I was going to tell people. Dad, work, my son's dad. When I found out that my son was to term, it became super easy to narrow down that it was my best friends.
It is never a good idea to tell lies. Secrets are lies. It was suppose to be my son's day and all I could think of was myself. I never knew who to turn to,where to go. Believe me I did pray to God, but never knew which god. I hated him very much though. It had to be all his fault, right? No. My actions. My free will.
Until next time....
Tuesday, February 28, 2012
sex becomes casual
I think some women wonder how others can become so casual about sex. It can happen when other people become more important then oneself. I thought that if I started dating my best friend, who was also friends with "true love", "true love" would see that being with me was still great. He would surely see how happy "best friend" was. If anything it gave me opportunities to see "true love" almost all the time. I should have gotten the hint when "true love" found a new girlfriend. She was a churchgoer, had an awesome car, and considering I shaved my head, she was also more beautiful.
I became so angry with "true love". He didn't love me anymore and I was so tired of fighting with him to see his daughter. One night I thought I would really make him angry with me. You know, give him a reason. I slept with his best friend, which made his best friend late to pick him up. No matter if he wanted to tell him or not, he could figure it out for himself. Pure evil coursed through these veins. It did make him really mad but it solved nothing. I gave up at that point. Nothing between us was never going to be right.
I made friends with the manager at the restaurant I worked at. She fell in love with my daughter and asked if I wanted to be her roommate. I jumped all over that. It is expensive raising a baby by myself. I was too proud to go for child support. After all, was it his fault that I chose to not give her up for adoption? We had allot of fun. Movies, shopping and talking about work. I had a real friend.
There was another girl that worked with us and after talking to my roommate, she agreed to let her move in with us. She wasn't too happy about it, but she allowed it. The other girl was super nice but she was dirty. We started getting roaches and lice in our apartment. She was also allowing this guy, who we agreed wasn't allowed in the home, over every time we weren't there. My roommate kicked her out with no place to go. I felt responsible for this girl. Should have realized that the only one I should have been responsible for at the time was my daughter. I did not however.
Not putting my child first was the first sign of me not being a good mom and somebody should have stepped in at that time. I get so angry when parents say that it is nobody elses business on how they raise their children, but we need to understand that it takes more then one or two to raise children. I am always open to ideas on how to raise my kids. I pray that people call me out when I am not doing good enough. That is one of the greatest things that I love about my mother-in-law. After all look at the man she raised.
Please continue reading.....ask questions about so far, but I will continue on what's to come.
Thank you for all of your support through The Story.
I became so angry with "true love". He didn't love me anymore and I was so tired of fighting with him to see his daughter. One night I thought I would really make him angry with me. You know, give him a reason. I slept with his best friend, which made his best friend late to pick him up. No matter if he wanted to tell him or not, he could figure it out for himself. Pure evil coursed through these veins. It did make him really mad but it solved nothing. I gave up at that point. Nothing between us was never going to be right.
I made friends with the manager at the restaurant I worked at. She fell in love with my daughter and asked if I wanted to be her roommate. I jumped all over that. It is expensive raising a baby by myself. I was too proud to go for child support. After all, was it his fault that I chose to not give her up for adoption? We had allot of fun. Movies, shopping and talking about work. I had a real friend.
There was another girl that worked with us and after talking to my roommate, she agreed to let her move in with us. She wasn't too happy about it, but she allowed it. The other girl was super nice but she was dirty. We started getting roaches and lice in our apartment. She was also allowing this guy, who we agreed wasn't allowed in the home, over every time we weren't there. My roommate kicked her out with no place to go. I felt responsible for this girl. Should have realized that the only one I should have been responsible for at the time was my daughter. I did not however.
Not putting my child first was the first sign of me not being a good mom and somebody should have stepped in at that time. I get so angry when parents say that it is nobody elses business on how they raise their children, but we need to understand that it takes more then one or two to raise children. I am always open to ideas on how to raise my kids. I pray that people call me out when I am not doing good enough. That is one of the greatest things that I love about my mother-in-law. After all look at the man she raised.
Please continue reading.....ask questions about so far, but I will continue on what's to come.
Thank you for all of your support through The Story.
Monday, February 27, 2012
waking up confused
Somebody last week told me that their dad told them not to drink, while holding a beer. As parents, we need to lead by example. I was taught that I shouldn't have sex with my boyfriend, but my parents weren't shy about it at all. It would make me so mad and I don't know why. They were married and adults but it use to make me so mad when they would just have sex in the middle of the day, or were so loud that it would keep you awake. They also talked about it to all their friends.
It took me awhile before I realized that that wasn't normal. I think it was when I met Jason. I was 20 when I met him. I even compared him and his family to the Brady Bunch.
I was 13 when I met my first true love. We started having sex when we both were 14. It was so easy to find time. His mom was always out on dates. When she would get back, she would tell him to stay downstairs because she brought somebody home and didn't want him to know she had kids. We were unsupervised allot. My parents didn't seem to mind that I would hang out at his house all day long. I just had to be home by 5 during the school season or dark in the summertime. My parents starting having marriage problems and little by little they seemed to not care at all what I was doing. At 15, it was great! We were a "real couple".
That "real couple" had a real wake up call. At 16, I became pregnant. I felt so alone. My true love wanted me to put her up for adoption. Dad wanted me to abort. Mom seemed kinda excited about the baby coming. I stayed in school throughout my pregnancy. I was always a good student and loved school. I had that baby girl in the summer of 1998. I attempted to stay in school through my sophomore year, but quit a month in. I hated being picked on. They would say things like, "be careful she is looking for a baby's daddy" or "do you know she has a kid at home, what a slut". I couldn't handle being in school all day and coming home to a baby. I chose to get a job in the evening, so my mom could watch her. She worked during the day.
I think I will stop with that today....
The reason for telling my story is to hopefully bring people to understand that we can change. We can get right with the Lord. I want everyone to know that no matter how long the journey of life is there is a reason.
It took me awhile before I realized that that wasn't normal. I think it was when I met Jason. I was 20 when I met him. I even compared him and his family to the Brady Bunch.
I was 13 when I met my first true love. We started having sex when we both were 14. It was so easy to find time. His mom was always out on dates. When she would get back, she would tell him to stay downstairs because she brought somebody home and didn't want him to know she had kids. We were unsupervised allot. My parents didn't seem to mind that I would hang out at his house all day long. I just had to be home by 5 during the school season or dark in the summertime. My parents starting having marriage problems and little by little they seemed to not care at all what I was doing. At 15, it was great! We were a "real couple".
That "real couple" had a real wake up call. At 16, I became pregnant. I felt so alone. My true love wanted me to put her up for adoption. Dad wanted me to abort. Mom seemed kinda excited about the baby coming. I stayed in school throughout my pregnancy. I was always a good student and loved school. I had that baby girl in the summer of 1998. I attempted to stay in school through my sophomore year, but quit a month in. I hated being picked on. They would say things like, "be careful she is looking for a baby's daddy" or "do you know she has a kid at home, what a slut". I couldn't handle being in school all day and coming home to a baby. I chose to get a job in the evening, so my mom could watch her. She worked during the day.
I think I will stop with that today....
The reason for telling my story is to hopefully bring people to understand that we can change. We can get right with the Lord. I want everyone to know that no matter how long the journey of life is there is a reason.
just a thought aloud
I want to write a book, but they say that you need lots of money,an education, or just a lot of time. You may be wondering why I want to write a book, or you may be thinking, "Hey, who doesn't?" I want to write it so that people aren't so curious about me. So maybe some would stop making things up like, "She probably..." or "She must have.."
Sometimes when I tell people about myself, I don't say enough. That always leads to more questions. Sometimes it's too much of one thing and then I don't get asked fro clarification. Thus comes, "She must have..."
I have lost friends from telling them about my life. I might have purposely pushed them away. If people never get close then I never have to explain who I am or where I came from. On the flip side, I have gained friends from telling my whole story. My husband being one.
Writing a book about myself brings other to the front. Whether good or bad I can see how others have a problem with that. It is the main reason for not telling allot of my life to people. As I get older though, I do become stronger. My strength is not my own. Thank you for taking time out to read thus far. I pray that you come back and read My Story as I write it.
To be continued.....
Sometimes when I tell people about myself, I don't say enough. That always leads to more questions. Sometimes it's too much of one thing and then I don't get asked fro clarification. Thus comes, "She must have..."
I have lost friends from telling them about my life. I might have purposely pushed them away. If people never get close then I never have to explain who I am or where I came from. On the flip side, I have gained friends from telling my whole story. My husband being one.
Writing a book about myself brings other to the front. Whether good or bad I can see how others have a problem with that. It is the main reason for not telling allot of my life to people. As I get older though, I do become stronger. My strength is not my own. Thank you for taking time out to read thus far. I pray that you come back and read My Story as I write it.
To be continued.....
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