It was less then a year from the time I met Jason, to the time we married. Some say that when you know who you are to be with, you just know. We knew. I was 21 and some would say that was young but for some reason I felt that I lived allot of life by then. We did what everyone else did. Bought a house, had a couple of dogs and gave birth to a set of beautiful twin girls. It took us a year from the time we started trying to the time we got pregnant. I thought God wouldn't allow me anymore children. I was blessed.
Things were going well. Just normal hiccups that life likes to throw on everyday basis. My husband started getting his own trials over two years ago. His dad, who I just have to say, was a beautiful person. He was nice, smart and great with my girls. They were his girls to anyone who asked. He was in such great health. Practicing for one day to run a marathon. It just goes to show you, when it's your time, God will take you. People ask why him, but knowing him and knowing the Lord, I ask why not? My husband's Granny passed a year and a half later.
Before I read the Bible, I had my own beliefs. Here they were. I believed that there was one god. My conscience was actually God talking to me. Including all the gut feelings that I receive when I go to do something wrong. I however didn't believe in a hell, because I couldn't see how a god that loves us could doom us into a hell. I did believe that Jesus was a powerful man and spread the word about God, but not a messiah. That Mary was not a virgin.
I knew none of the stories out of the Bible, but what I was told. When Jason's dad died I decided maybe I should read the Bible. Honestly, I thought that I could read it and somehow feel better that I didn't believe in it. That did not happen. The pastor who married us gave me a study bible to help me read it. It was a true help.
I realized that the beliefs I was most passionate about was in there. No doubt about it. Mary was a virgin, in our sense of the word. It was The Holy Spirit that gave her that baby. Jesus was our Messiah. Our savior. God's son. God in flesh. Hell is real. Satan is real. I do believe God talks to us through our conscience and also through gut feelings. He talks to us anyway he can find a way to get to us.
I started going to church last year. It is a United Church of Christ. No denomination. Just learning the bible. I feel that that is what church should be. Everyone is welcome. We are all equal sinners. No sin is worse then another. When I first started going I did not participate in communion, atonement, but did start bible study. I didn't know what I believed when I first started going. As time went on, I believed. I almost cry every time I take communion. I know I cry when I do atonement. Just think that God sent his only son to sacrifice himself for us. That is powerful!!
I was baptized a couple of weeks ago. The pastor asked if I would like to say anything and I didn't know what to say. I didn't think that I could explain how far I have come in my faith without telling my whole life story. I said nothing even though I wanted to.
If I were to talk today, I would tell everyone that even a sinner like me can be saved. We need to start by confessing, giving it to God, and changing for the best we know how. Keep learning. Always pray. Give your thanks for everything you have. I thank Him for placing the people in my life to help my children when they needed them the most. The families he placed in each of their lives was such a perfect fit. He is amazing! I give thanks to allowing me to mother once again and giving me the opportunity to fill their lives with His word. I give thanks for the husband and mother-in-law. I hear God speaking through my husband all the time. I give thanks for everyone that has taken time out of their own lives to read my story. Thanks for my church family, my pastor, and the gift to sing to Him on Sunday mornings.
I pray that all take something away from my story. Whether it is to read the Bible, look at your kids differently, attend bible study, or just sing a little louder Sunday morning, I am glad that it was a journey worth taking.
Thank you. God bless to all.
Saturday, March 3, 2012
Friday, March 2, 2012
waking up clear
You would have thought that I learned life lessons by this point. I didn't. "Ex-con", our son, and I were living like a real family. He found a job and I would stay home with our son. Our son was definitely special needs. I would have to hold him while he slept. He had to be tightly swaddled and if he felt as though he was coming loose while sleeping he would do a motion as though he was falling and then scream. Other then that he was one of the best babies ever.
I would call "true love" to talk to my daughter, but every time I would call, she was always shopping with his mom or at a play date. I found the truth in my mailbox one day. An envelope from a lady's lawyer. In it were adoption papers. I called up the lawyer and the lady said that she wanted to meet me. She was married, with three older boys, and they had God in their home. I had to meet her but there was 500 miles between her and I and I had no money to put into the gas tank of my car. Yeah, I received that letter after "ex-con" quit his job and we were broke once again.
I didn't care. I needed to get to my girl. I don't know why. Still don't. I loaded up my car with "ex-con", my son and my brother and we drove that 500 miles. How did we do it? The only way we knew how. We would fill up and drive off. I stole. When we got here, my car broke down outside of my aunt's house. Something inside me finally snapped. I broke up with "ex-con" right there in the broken car. I never cared if I ever saw him again. I was tired of hearing that we were going to be alright, but every time we turned around, we were homeless and my children were nowhere around. I know that every choice was my own, but I didn't want to hear that it was okay anymore.
Again, we were homeless and at this point, people were tired of helping me. Do you blame them? I don't because it helped me to grow. My Aunt Carol was the only one that would take me in. She had some rules though. No more "ex-con", had to have a job,no drugs, and I had to put my son into foster care. She said I I had to grow up and learn to take care of myself. She took me that night to child services to put my son into foster care. It was late, but there was a woman that came out and took him home. He wasn't but six months old and had no idea what was going on.
Carol taught me how to cook, save money, and grow up. I owe her allot. She even got me a part time job at the bar she was working. It was nice to work two jobs. That is where I met the most wonderful man ever. I was pretty depressed. I was just starting to realize that I did all of this to the ones that I loved. It became a hard thing to swallow. Waking up clear was the hardest thing I ever had to do. I sat with Jason and laughed so hard, but he didn't know who I was. After we met, he started hearing things about me. He knew I had three kids and none of them lived with me. He would hear things like, "she's a deadbeat mom", "she's a slut and doesn't know what birth control is", "she's a drug addict". Nobody asked me why I didn't have my children, so people just assumed that I beat them.
Jason, however, sat me down one night, and asked me. I never told anyone, because nobody asked. I just didn't think anybody would care. He cared enough to sit and listen. Just as you sit and read. It means the world to me that you want to know the truth, just as he did. I never thought that he would fall in love with me. He even went with me to visit my son.
We would go and visit my son once a week. His foster mother was so good with him. Her daughters that she had already adopted, loved him. They were always playing with him. He needed the extra stimuli. It was good for him. She came to me one day and told me she wanted to adopt him. I finally had my own apartment and no man living with me this time. I asked for Carol's and Jason's guidance on this. They were able to put the pros and cons in front of me. This lady's life compared to my life.
One of the hardest things was sitting in a courtroom saying that I would think my son's best interest was with somebody else. This time I was able to leave feeling for the first time that I did something right. Jason was with me the whole time and we were even able to get "ex-con" to see that this would open so many doors for our son. It did by the way. She has done so much for him. His chances were so much better with him.
Jason also went with me to visit my daughter. I fell in love with my daughter for the first time. It should have been that way when I gave birth to her, but that just shows that you need the right mind set in order to appreciate what a blessing a child is. She was four and one of the most beautiful things that I had ever seen. The family that has been taking care of her wanted to adopt. She told me that her husband has never wanted anything as bad as wanting to keep this little girl. She said that I can always keep visiting as long as it didn't interfere with her growing. Adoption can get confusing, but she is one smart kid. I signed custody to her and her family. Jason was my rock through all of this. I still continue to see my daughter. She will be 14 this June. She is such a great child.
My son I don't see unless I run into them at a market or something. We use to visit him all the time, but the other girls that she adopted couldn't figure out why their moms weren't visiting them and felt unloved. I stopped seeing him for their sake. These children were taken out of abusive homes to begin with and I couldn't bare the thought of hurting them. My son knew her as his mom. I thank God for all that he was able to do for all of my children. He placed all these angels into my life to save my kids.
Even through all of this I still had not believed in the Lord, yet. The Story is less eventful through to the end but it does explain how I came to the Him. Please keep reading, we are almost to present.
I would call "true love" to talk to my daughter, but every time I would call, she was always shopping with his mom or at a play date. I found the truth in my mailbox one day. An envelope from a lady's lawyer. In it were adoption papers. I called up the lawyer and the lady said that she wanted to meet me. She was married, with three older boys, and they had God in their home. I had to meet her but there was 500 miles between her and I and I had no money to put into the gas tank of my car. Yeah, I received that letter after "ex-con" quit his job and we were broke once again.
I didn't care. I needed to get to my girl. I don't know why. Still don't. I loaded up my car with "ex-con", my son and my brother and we drove that 500 miles. How did we do it? The only way we knew how. We would fill up and drive off. I stole. When we got here, my car broke down outside of my aunt's house. Something inside me finally snapped. I broke up with "ex-con" right there in the broken car. I never cared if I ever saw him again. I was tired of hearing that we were going to be alright, but every time we turned around, we were homeless and my children were nowhere around. I know that every choice was my own, but I didn't want to hear that it was okay anymore.
Again, we were homeless and at this point, people were tired of helping me. Do you blame them? I don't because it helped me to grow. My Aunt Carol was the only one that would take me in. She had some rules though. No more "ex-con", had to have a job,no drugs, and I had to put my son into foster care. She said I I had to grow up and learn to take care of myself. She took me that night to child services to put my son into foster care. It was late, but there was a woman that came out and took him home. He wasn't but six months old and had no idea what was going on.
Carol taught me how to cook, save money, and grow up. I owe her allot. She even got me a part time job at the bar she was working. It was nice to work two jobs. That is where I met the most wonderful man ever. I was pretty depressed. I was just starting to realize that I did all of this to the ones that I loved. It became a hard thing to swallow. Waking up clear was the hardest thing I ever had to do. I sat with Jason and laughed so hard, but he didn't know who I was. After we met, he started hearing things about me. He knew I had three kids and none of them lived with me. He would hear things like, "she's a deadbeat mom", "she's a slut and doesn't know what birth control is", "she's a drug addict". Nobody asked me why I didn't have my children, so people just assumed that I beat them.
Jason, however, sat me down one night, and asked me. I never told anyone, because nobody asked. I just didn't think anybody would care. He cared enough to sit and listen. Just as you sit and read. It means the world to me that you want to know the truth, just as he did. I never thought that he would fall in love with me. He even went with me to visit my son.
We would go and visit my son once a week. His foster mother was so good with him. Her daughters that she had already adopted, loved him. They were always playing with him. He needed the extra stimuli. It was good for him. She came to me one day and told me she wanted to adopt him. I finally had my own apartment and no man living with me this time. I asked for Carol's and Jason's guidance on this. They were able to put the pros and cons in front of me. This lady's life compared to my life.
One of the hardest things was sitting in a courtroom saying that I would think my son's best interest was with somebody else. This time I was able to leave feeling for the first time that I did something right. Jason was with me the whole time and we were even able to get "ex-con" to see that this would open so many doors for our son. It did by the way. She has done so much for him. His chances were so much better with him.
Jason also went with me to visit my daughter. I fell in love with my daughter for the first time. It should have been that way when I gave birth to her, but that just shows that you need the right mind set in order to appreciate what a blessing a child is. She was four and one of the most beautiful things that I had ever seen. The family that has been taking care of her wanted to adopt. She told me that her husband has never wanted anything as bad as wanting to keep this little girl. She said that I can always keep visiting as long as it didn't interfere with her growing. Adoption can get confusing, but she is one smart kid. I signed custody to her and her family. Jason was my rock through all of this. I still continue to see my daughter. She will be 14 this June. She is such a great child.
My son I don't see unless I run into them at a market or something. We use to visit him all the time, but the other girls that she adopted couldn't figure out why their moms weren't visiting them and felt unloved. I stopped seeing him for their sake. These children were taken out of abusive homes to begin with and I couldn't bare the thought of hurting them. My son knew her as his mom. I thank God for all that he was able to do for all of my children. He placed all these angels into my life to save my kids.
Even through all of this I still had not believed in the Lord, yet. The Story is less eventful through to the end but it does explain how I came to the Him. Please keep reading, we are almost to present.
Thursday, March 1, 2012
wishing it was just a story
After breaking it off with "ex-con", I stayed with my step-brother who lived in his cousins dirt garage. There was one mattress and he wasn't the nicest to live with. I didn't deserve any better anyway. I would drink every night. I hung out with this guy who use to threaten me with a gun. I always hoped that he would just pull the trigger. I would say things to provoke him but somebody else would always be in the way. I was able to get another job at a restaurant. Dad suggested that "step-brother" and I find an apartment together. He had no idea what my step-brother was doing to me. I never told him for fear of him not believing me.
We moved into this apartment together. Once again I was pregnant. I was pregnant way back when we were still in the motel. I just wasn't paying attention. Besides, "ex-con" said he was sterile. Never believe a man that says that. I didn't want to think about this pregnancy at all. I would think about stories of women that had miscarriages. I drank all the time and I would even try punching my stomach. The pregnancy just wouldn't go away. I just didn't care about anything anymore. I didn't lie to anybody this time. If they asked if I was pregnant, I would say yes. I hated everything and everybody. "Step-brother" ended up kicking me out. I started to stay with a friend's friend.
One night I marched over to "ex-con"s dad's house, when I knew he was there, and he took me back when he saw that I was pregnant with his son. When we got back together, we were able to stay with his sister again. I eventually went to a doctor to see how far along I was. I thought that maybe this baby would make everything alright again. When we went to the doctor, he explained to me that the baby had issues and I needed to give birth to him in Toledo. I blame myself even to this day, even though the doctor says it had nothing to do with what I did during my pregnancy. My son has an extra Y chromosome.
After he was born, they said that he wouldn't talk or walk and might even be blind. He was missing some folds in his brain. Right away they knew that he could see. God blessed him. He is able to walk and he is able to communicate through sign language. His left side is tight, but it doesn't hold him back. I went to the welfare office and was able to get housing, medical, and wic. You would think by this point, I would have learned something. But I didn't. Yep, there is more of The Story.....
We moved into this apartment together. Once again I was pregnant. I was pregnant way back when we were still in the motel. I just wasn't paying attention. Besides, "ex-con" said he was sterile. Never believe a man that says that. I didn't want to think about this pregnancy at all. I would think about stories of women that had miscarriages. I drank all the time and I would even try punching my stomach. The pregnancy just wouldn't go away. I just didn't care about anything anymore. I didn't lie to anybody this time. If they asked if I was pregnant, I would say yes. I hated everything and everybody. "Step-brother" ended up kicking me out. I started to stay with a friend's friend.
One night I marched over to "ex-con"s dad's house, when I knew he was there, and he took me back when he saw that I was pregnant with his son. When we got back together, we were able to stay with his sister again. I eventually went to a doctor to see how far along I was. I thought that maybe this baby would make everything alright again. When we went to the doctor, he explained to me that the baby had issues and I needed to give birth to him in Toledo. I blame myself even to this day, even though the doctor says it had nothing to do with what I did during my pregnancy. My son has an extra Y chromosome.
After he was born, they said that he wouldn't talk or walk and might even be blind. He was missing some folds in his brain. Right away they knew that he could see. God blessed him. He is able to walk and he is able to communicate through sign language. His left side is tight, but it doesn't hold him back. I went to the welfare office and was able to get housing, medical, and wic. You would think by this point, I would have learned something. But I didn't. Yep, there is more of The Story.....
lost it all
Without a job, I was only able to afford the motel room for another week. All I could think of was these two poor children that didn't have a say in their situation. My son was 1 and my daughter was 3. I called Dad and he said that he couldn't raise anymore kids. Mom said that she wasn't able to either. At this point I only needed for the kids to be safe, I know that that is a hell of thing to think about after everything I already put them through. Dad called child services and told them that we were living at a motel. Apparently that isn't child abuse, but I informed them that we would be on the street in a week.
My cousin was able to take them at the time. I remember we visited with them at the park one day and when they were leaving, my kids cried harder then I had ever seen any child cry. No child should have to cry for their mother. My daughter's dad came to Ohio and picked her up. I remember that day. She didn't know who he was or why him and his mom were taking her. The same day, I signed temporary custody over to my cousin for my son. That night we had no place to stay. It was the first time in my life I can say that I had nowhere to sleep.
We started partying with "ex-con"'s friend. I wanted to just die by this time. I drank so much and while we were driving around at night, I asked God to put us into a car accident that would just kill all three of us. Instead we were pulled over. I wasn't charged with underage drinking because the guy we were riding with already had enough charges against him. The cop said that if he charged me, he would have to add another charge to this guy because he was the one driving.
"Ex-con" and I left the station. We walked around town trying to find a place we could lay our head without getting in trouble. We were able to steal a blanket off an enclosed porch, after all it was February. We found an alley that led to nowhere. I remember that it was paved with bricks. Uneven bricks. It was one of the longest nights of my life. I blamed "ex-con" for everything and broke it off with him. That's right I blamed it all on him and didn't take any responsibility for what I did.
Before I go on, I want everyone to know that true evil is about to come through me in this next part of The Story. If you have issues with forgiving for the unforgivable, please stop reading. I do understand how others can have issues for not forgiving everything. After all it took me a long time to forgive myself and to understand that God could forgive me. One of the reason's I was unable to accept being baptized for so long is because I couldn't forgive myself. I was unable to give it to God. I was able to confess it, but just unable to accept it. I am crying, just knowing that some people whom I admire will continue reading, but I need them to know why God is important to me.
My cousin was able to take them at the time. I remember we visited with them at the park one day and when they were leaving, my kids cried harder then I had ever seen any child cry. No child should have to cry for their mother. My daughter's dad came to Ohio and picked her up. I remember that day. She didn't know who he was or why him and his mom were taking her. The same day, I signed temporary custody over to my cousin for my son. That night we had no place to stay. It was the first time in my life I can say that I had nowhere to sleep.
We started partying with "ex-con"'s friend. I wanted to just die by this time. I drank so much and while we were driving around at night, I asked God to put us into a car accident that would just kill all three of us. Instead we were pulled over. I wasn't charged with underage drinking because the guy we were riding with already had enough charges against him. The cop said that if he charged me, he would have to add another charge to this guy because he was the one driving.
"Ex-con" and I left the station. We walked around town trying to find a place we could lay our head without getting in trouble. We were able to steal a blanket off an enclosed porch, after all it was February. We found an alley that led to nowhere. I remember that it was paved with bricks. Uneven bricks. It was one of the longest nights of my life. I blamed "ex-con" for everything and broke it off with him. That's right I blamed it all on him and didn't take any responsibility for what I did.
Before I go on, I want everyone to know that true evil is about to come through me in this next part of The Story. If you have issues with forgiving for the unforgivable, please stop reading. I do understand how others can have issues for not forgiving everything. After all it took me a long time to forgive myself and to understand that God could forgive me. One of the reason's I was unable to accept being baptized for so long is because I couldn't forgive myself. I was unable to give it to God. I was able to confess it, but just unable to accept it. I am crying, just knowing that some people whom I admire will continue reading, but I need them to know why God is important to me.
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