lost it all

    Without a job,  I was only able to afford the motel room for another week.  All I could think of was these two poor children that didn't have a say in their situation.  My son was 1 and my daughter was 3.  I called Dad and he said that he couldn't raise anymore kids. Mom said that she wasn't able to either.  At this point I only needed for the kids to be safe, I know that that is a hell of thing to think about after everything I already put them through.  Dad called child services and told them that we were living at a motel.  Apparently that isn't child abuse, but I informed them that we would be on the street in a week.
    My cousin was able to take them at the time. I remember we visited with them at the park one day and when they were leaving, my kids cried harder then I had ever seen any child cry.  No child should have to cry for their mother.  My daughter's dad came to Ohio and picked her up.  I remember that day.  She didn't know who he was or why him and his mom were taking her.  The same day, I signed temporary custody over to my cousin for my son.  That night we had no place to stay.  It was the first time in my life I can say that I had nowhere to sleep.
    We started partying with "ex-con"'s friend.  I wanted to just die by this time.  I drank so much and while we were driving around at night, I asked God to put us into a car accident that would just kill all three of us.  Instead we were pulled over.  I wasn't charged with underage drinking because the guy we were riding with already had enough charges against him.  The cop said that if he charged me, he would have to add another charge to this guy because he was the one driving.
    "Ex-con" and I left the station.  We walked around town trying to find  a place we could lay our head without getting in trouble.  We were able to steal a blanket off an enclosed porch, after all it was February.  We found an alley that led to nowhere.  I remember that it was paved with bricks.  Uneven bricks.  It was one of the longest nights of my life.  I blamed "ex-con" for everything and broke it off with him.  That's right I blamed it all on him and didn't take any responsibility for what I did.
    Before I go on, I want everyone to know that true evil is about to come through me in this next part of The Story.  If you have issues with forgiving for the unforgivable, please stop reading.  I do understand how others can have issues for not forgiving everything.  After all it took me a long time to forgive myself and to understand that God could forgive me.  One of the reason's I was unable to accept being baptized for so long is because I couldn't forgive myself.  I was unable to give it to God.  I was able to confess it, but just unable to accept it.  I am crying, just knowing that some people whom I admire will continue reading, but I need them to know why God is important to me.