It was less then a year from the time I met Jason, to the time we married. Some say that when you know who you are to be with, you just know. We knew. I was 21 and some would say that was young but for some reason I felt that I lived allot of life by then. We did what everyone else did. Bought a house, had a couple of dogs and gave birth to a set of beautiful twin girls. It took us a year from the time we started trying to the time we got pregnant. I thought God wouldn't allow me anymore children. I was blessed.
Things were going well. Just normal hiccups that life likes to throw on everyday basis. My husband started getting his own trials over two years ago. His dad, who I just have to say, was a beautiful person. He was nice, smart and great with my girls. They were his girls to anyone who asked. He was in such great health. Practicing for one day to run a marathon. It just goes to show you, when it's your time, God will take you. People ask why him, but knowing him and knowing the Lord, I ask why not? My husband's Granny passed a year and a half later.
Before I read the Bible, I had my own beliefs. Here they were. I believed that there was one god. My conscience was actually God talking to me. Including all the gut feelings that I receive when I go to do something wrong. I however didn't believe in a hell, because I couldn't see how a god that loves us could doom us into a hell. I did believe that Jesus was a powerful man and spread the word about God, but not a messiah. That Mary was not a virgin.
I knew none of the stories out of the Bible, but what I was told. When Jason's dad died I decided maybe I should read the Bible. Honestly, I thought that I could read it and somehow feel better that I didn't believe in it. That did not happen. The pastor who married us gave me a study bible to help me read it. It was a true help.
I realized that the beliefs I was most passionate about was in there. No doubt about it. Mary was a virgin, in our sense of the word. It was The Holy Spirit that gave her that baby. Jesus was our Messiah. Our savior. God's son. God in flesh. Hell is real. Satan is real. I do believe God talks to us through our conscience and also through gut feelings. He talks to us anyway he can find a way to get to us.
I started going to church last year. It is a United Church of Christ. No denomination. Just learning the bible. I feel that that is what church should be. Everyone is welcome. We are all equal sinners. No sin is worse then another. When I first started going I did not participate in communion, atonement, but did start bible study. I didn't know what I believed when I first started going. As time went on, I believed. I almost cry every time I take communion. I know I cry when I do atonement. Just think that God sent his only son to sacrifice himself for us. That is powerful!!
I was baptized a couple of weeks ago. The pastor asked if I would like to say anything and I didn't know what to say. I didn't think that I could explain how far I have come in my faith without telling my whole life story. I said nothing even though I wanted to.
If I were to talk today, I would tell everyone that even a sinner like me can be saved. We need to start by confessing, giving it to God, and changing for the best we know how. Keep learning. Always pray. Give your thanks for everything you have. I thank Him for placing the people in my life to help my children when they needed them the most. The families he placed in each of their lives was such a perfect fit. He is amazing! I give thanks to allowing me to mother once again and giving me the opportunity to fill their lives with His word. I give thanks for the husband and mother-in-law. I hear God speaking through my husband all the time. I give thanks for everyone that has taken time out of their own lives to read my story. Thanks for my church family, my pastor, and the gift to sing to Him on Sunday mornings.
I pray that all take something away from my story. Whether it is to read the Bible, look at your kids differently, attend bible study, or just sing a little louder Sunday morning, I am glad that it was a journey worth taking.
Thank you. God bless to all.
Saturday, March 3, 2012
Friday, March 2, 2012
waking up clear
You would have thought that I learned life lessons by this point. I didn't. "Ex-con", our son, and I were living like a real family. He found a job and I would stay home with our son. Our son was definitely special needs. I would have to hold him while he slept. He had to be tightly swaddled and if he felt as though he was coming loose while sleeping he would do a motion as though he was falling and then scream. Other then that he was one of the best babies ever.
I would call "true love" to talk to my daughter, but every time I would call, she was always shopping with his mom or at a play date. I found the truth in my mailbox one day. An envelope from a lady's lawyer. In it were adoption papers. I called up the lawyer and the lady said that she wanted to meet me. She was married, with three older boys, and they had God in their home. I had to meet her but there was 500 miles between her and I and I had no money to put into the gas tank of my car. Yeah, I received that letter after "ex-con" quit his job and we were broke once again.
I didn't care. I needed to get to my girl. I don't know why. Still don't. I loaded up my car with "ex-con", my son and my brother and we drove that 500 miles. How did we do it? The only way we knew how. We would fill up and drive off. I stole. When we got here, my car broke down outside of my aunt's house. Something inside me finally snapped. I broke up with "ex-con" right there in the broken car. I never cared if I ever saw him again. I was tired of hearing that we were going to be alright, but every time we turned around, we were homeless and my children were nowhere around. I know that every choice was my own, but I didn't want to hear that it was okay anymore.
Again, we were homeless and at this point, people were tired of helping me. Do you blame them? I don't because it helped me to grow. My Aunt Carol was the only one that would take me in. She had some rules though. No more "ex-con", had to have a job,no drugs, and I had to put my son into foster care. She said I I had to grow up and learn to take care of myself. She took me that night to child services to put my son into foster care. It was late, but there was a woman that came out and took him home. He wasn't but six months old and had no idea what was going on.
Carol taught me how to cook, save money, and grow up. I owe her allot. She even got me a part time job at the bar she was working. It was nice to work two jobs. That is where I met the most wonderful man ever. I was pretty depressed. I was just starting to realize that I did all of this to the ones that I loved. It became a hard thing to swallow. Waking up clear was the hardest thing I ever had to do. I sat with Jason and laughed so hard, but he didn't know who I was. After we met, he started hearing things about me. He knew I had three kids and none of them lived with me. He would hear things like, "she's a deadbeat mom", "she's a slut and doesn't know what birth control is", "she's a drug addict". Nobody asked me why I didn't have my children, so people just assumed that I beat them.
Jason, however, sat me down one night, and asked me. I never told anyone, because nobody asked. I just didn't think anybody would care. He cared enough to sit and listen. Just as you sit and read. It means the world to me that you want to know the truth, just as he did. I never thought that he would fall in love with me. He even went with me to visit my son.
We would go and visit my son once a week. His foster mother was so good with him. Her daughters that she had already adopted, loved him. They were always playing with him. He needed the extra stimuli. It was good for him. She came to me one day and told me she wanted to adopt him. I finally had my own apartment and no man living with me this time. I asked for Carol's and Jason's guidance on this. They were able to put the pros and cons in front of me. This lady's life compared to my life.
One of the hardest things was sitting in a courtroom saying that I would think my son's best interest was with somebody else. This time I was able to leave feeling for the first time that I did something right. Jason was with me the whole time and we were even able to get "ex-con" to see that this would open so many doors for our son. It did by the way. She has done so much for him. His chances were so much better with him.
Jason also went with me to visit my daughter. I fell in love with my daughter for the first time. It should have been that way when I gave birth to her, but that just shows that you need the right mind set in order to appreciate what a blessing a child is. She was four and one of the most beautiful things that I had ever seen. The family that has been taking care of her wanted to adopt. She told me that her husband has never wanted anything as bad as wanting to keep this little girl. She said that I can always keep visiting as long as it didn't interfere with her growing. Adoption can get confusing, but she is one smart kid. I signed custody to her and her family. Jason was my rock through all of this. I still continue to see my daughter. She will be 14 this June. She is such a great child.
My son I don't see unless I run into them at a market or something. We use to visit him all the time, but the other girls that she adopted couldn't figure out why their moms weren't visiting them and felt unloved. I stopped seeing him for their sake. These children were taken out of abusive homes to begin with and I couldn't bare the thought of hurting them. My son knew her as his mom. I thank God for all that he was able to do for all of my children. He placed all these angels into my life to save my kids.
Even through all of this I still had not believed in the Lord, yet. The Story is less eventful through to the end but it does explain how I came to the Him. Please keep reading, we are almost to present.
I would call "true love" to talk to my daughter, but every time I would call, she was always shopping with his mom or at a play date. I found the truth in my mailbox one day. An envelope from a lady's lawyer. In it were adoption papers. I called up the lawyer and the lady said that she wanted to meet me. She was married, with three older boys, and they had God in their home. I had to meet her but there was 500 miles between her and I and I had no money to put into the gas tank of my car. Yeah, I received that letter after "ex-con" quit his job and we were broke once again.
I didn't care. I needed to get to my girl. I don't know why. Still don't. I loaded up my car with "ex-con", my son and my brother and we drove that 500 miles. How did we do it? The only way we knew how. We would fill up and drive off. I stole. When we got here, my car broke down outside of my aunt's house. Something inside me finally snapped. I broke up with "ex-con" right there in the broken car. I never cared if I ever saw him again. I was tired of hearing that we were going to be alright, but every time we turned around, we were homeless and my children were nowhere around. I know that every choice was my own, but I didn't want to hear that it was okay anymore.
Again, we were homeless and at this point, people were tired of helping me. Do you blame them? I don't because it helped me to grow. My Aunt Carol was the only one that would take me in. She had some rules though. No more "ex-con", had to have a job,no drugs, and I had to put my son into foster care. She said I I had to grow up and learn to take care of myself. She took me that night to child services to put my son into foster care. It was late, but there was a woman that came out and took him home. He wasn't but six months old and had no idea what was going on.
Carol taught me how to cook, save money, and grow up. I owe her allot. She even got me a part time job at the bar she was working. It was nice to work two jobs. That is where I met the most wonderful man ever. I was pretty depressed. I was just starting to realize that I did all of this to the ones that I loved. It became a hard thing to swallow. Waking up clear was the hardest thing I ever had to do. I sat with Jason and laughed so hard, but he didn't know who I was. After we met, he started hearing things about me. He knew I had three kids and none of them lived with me. He would hear things like, "she's a deadbeat mom", "she's a slut and doesn't know what birth control is", "she's a drug addict". Nobody asked me why I didn't have my children, so people just assumed that I beat them.
Jason, however, sat me down one night, and asked me. I never told anyone, because nobody asked. I just didn't think anybody would care. He cared enough to sit and listen. Just as you sit and read. It means the world to me that you want to know the truth, just as he did. I never thought that he would fall in love with me. He even went with me to visit my son.
We would go and visit my son once a week. His foster mother was so good with him. Her daughters that she had already adopted, loved him. They were always playing with him. He needed the extra stimuli. It was good for him. She came to me one day and told me she wanted to adopt him. I finally had my own apartment and no man living with me this time. I asked for Carol's and Jason's guidance on this. They were able to put the pros and cons in front of me. This lady's life compared to my life.
One of the hardest things was sitting in a courtroom saying that I would think my son's best interest was with somebody else. This time I was able to leave feeling for the first time that I did something right. Jason was with me the whole time and we were even able to get "ex-con" to see that this would open so many doors for our son. It did by the way. She has done so much for him. His chances were so much better with him.
Jason also went with me to visit my daughter. I fell in love with my daughter for the first time. It should have been that way when I gave birth to her, but that just shows that you need the right mind set in order to appreciate what a blessing a child is. She was four and one of the most beautiful things that I had ever seen. The family that has been taking care of her wanted to adopt. She told me that her husband has never wanted anything as bad as wanting to keep this little girl. She said that I can always keep visiting as long as it didn't interfere with her growing. Adoption can get confusing, but she is one smart kid. I signed custody to her and her family. Jason was my rock through all of this. I still continue to see my daughter. She will be 14 this June. She is such a great child.
My son I don't see unless I run into them at a market or something. We use to visit him all the time, but the other girls that she adopted couldn't figure out why their moms weren't visiting them and felt unloved. I stopped seeing him for their sake. These children were taken out of abusive homes to begin with and I couldn't bare the thought of hurting them. My son knew her as his mom. I thank God for all that he was able to do for all of my children. He placed all these angels into my life to save my kids.
Even through all of this I still had not believed in the Lord, yet. The Story is less eventful through to the end but it does explain how I came to the Him. Please keep reading, we are almost to present.
Thursday, March 1, 2012
wishing it was just a story
After breaking it off with "ex-con", I stayed with my step-brother who lived in his cousins dirt garage. There was one mattress and he wasn't the nicest to live with. I didn't deserve any better anyway. I would drink every night. I hung out with this guy who use to threaten me with a gun. I always hoped that he would just pull the trigger. I would say things to provoke him but somebody else would always be in the way. I was able to get another job at a restaurant. Dad suggested that "step-brother" and I find an apartment together. He had no idea what my step-brother was doing to me. I never told him for fear of him not believing me.
We moved into this apartment together. Once again I was pregnant. I was pregnant way back when we were still in the motel. I just wasn't paying attention. Besides, "ex-con" said he was sterile. Never believe a man that says that. I didn't want to think about this pregnancy at all. I would think about stories of women that had miscarriages. I drank all the time and I would even try punching my stomach. The pregnancy just wouldn't go away. I just didn't care about anything anymore. I didn't lie to anybody this time. If they asked if I was pregnant, I would say yes. I hated everything and everybody. "Step-brother" ended up kicking me out. I started to stay with a friend's friend.
One night I marched over to "ex-con"s dad's house, when I knew he was there, and he took me back when he saw that I was pregnant with his son. When we got back together, we were able to stay with his sister again. I eventually went to a doctor to see how far along I was. I thought that maybe this baby would make everything alright again. When we went to the doctor, he explained to me that the baby had issues and I needed to give birth to him in Toledo. I blame myself even to this day, even though the doctor says it had nothing to do with what I did during my pregnancy. My son has an extra Y chromosome.
After he was born, they said that he wouldn't talk or walk and might even be blind. He was missing some folds in his brain. Right away they knew that he could see. God blessed him. He is able to walk and he is able to communicate through sign language. His left side is tight, but it doesn't hold him back. I went to the welfare office and was able to get housing, medical, and wic. You would think by this point, I would have learned something. But I didn't. Yep, there is more of The Story.....
We moved into this apartment together. Once again I was pregnant. I was pregnant way back when we were still in the motel. I just wasn't paying attention. Besides, "ex-con" said he was sterile. Never believe a man that says that. I didn't want to think about this pregnancy at all. I would think about stories of women that had miscarriages. I drank all the time and I would even try punching my stomach. The pregnancy just wouldn't go away. I just didn't care about anything anymore. I didn't lie to anybody this time. If they asked if I was pregnant, I would say yes. I hated everything and everybody. "Step-brother" ended up kicking me out. I started to stay with a friend's friend.
One night I marched over to "ex-con"s dad's house, when I knew he was there, and he took me back when he saw that I was pregnant with his son. When we got back together, we were able to stay with his sister again. I eventually went to a doctor to see how far along I was. I thought that maybe this baby would make everything alright again. When we went to the doctor, he explained to me that the baby had issues and I needed to give birth to him in Toledo. I blame myself even to this day, even though the doctor says it had nothing to do with what I did during my pregnancy. My son has an extra Y chromosome.
After he was born, they said that he wouldn't talk or walk and might even be blind. He was missing some folds in his brain. Right away they knew that he could see. God blessed him. He is able to walk and he is able to communicate through sign language. His left side is tight, but it doesn't hold him back. I went to the welfare office and was able to get housing, medical, and wic. You would think by this point, I would have learned something. But I didn't. Yep, there is more of The Story.....
lost it all
Without a job, I was only able to afford the motel room for another week. All I could think of was these two poor children that didn't have a say in their situation. My son was 1 and my daughter was 3. I called Dad and he said that he couldn't raise anymore kids. Mom said that she wasn't able to either. At this point I only needed for the kids to be safe, I know that that is a hell of thing to think about after everything I already put them through. Dad called child services and told them that we were living at a motel. Apparently that isn't child abuse, but I informed them that we would be on the street in a week.
My cousin was able to take them at the time. I remember we visited with them at the park one day and when they were leaving, my kids cried harder then I had ever seen any child cry. No child should have to cry for their mother. My daughter's dad came to Ohio and picked her up. I remember that day. She didn't know who he was or why him and his mom were taking her. The same day, I signed temporary custody over to my cousin for my son. That night we had no place to stay. It was the first time in my life I can say that I had nowhere to sleep.
We started partying with "ex-con"'s friend. I wanted to just die by this time. I drank so much and while we were driving around at night, I asked God to put us into a car accident that would just kill all three of us. Instead we were pulled over. I wasn't charged with underage drinking because the guy we were riding with already had enough charges against him. The cop said that if he charged me, he would have to add another charge to this guy because he was the one driving.
"Ex-con" and I left the station. We walked around town trying to find a place we could lay our head without getting in trouble. We were able to steal a blanket off an enclosed porch, after all it was February. We found an alley that led to nowhere. I remember that it was paved with bricks. Uneven bricks. It was one of the longest nights of my life. I blamed "ex-con" for everything and broke it off with him. That's right I blamed it all on him and didn't take any responsibility for what I did.
Before I go on, I want everyone to know that true evil is about to come through me in this next part of The Story. If you have issues with forgiving for the unforgivable, please stop reading. I do understand how others can have issues for not forgiving everything. After all it took me a long time to forgive myself and to understand that God could forgive me. One of the reason's I was unable to accept being baptized for so long is because I couldn't forgive myself. I was unable to give it to God. I was able to confess it, but just unable to accept it. I am crying, just knowing that some people whom I admire will continue reading, but I need them to know why God is important to me.
My cousin was able to take them at the time. I remember we visited with them at the park one day and when they were leaving, my kids cried harder then I had ever seen any child cry. No child should have to cry for their mother. My daughter's dad came to Ohio and picked her up. I remember that day. She didn't know who he was or why him and his mom were taking her. The same day, I signed temporary custody over to my cousin for my son. That night we had no place to stay. It was the first time in my life I can say that I had nowhere to sleep.
We started partying with "ex-con"'s friend. I wanted to just die by this time. I drank so much and while we were driving around at night, I asked God to put us into a car accident that would just kill all three of us. Instead we were pulled over. I wasn't charged with underage drinking because the guy we were riding with already had enough charges against him. The cop said that if he charged me, he would have to add another charge to this guy because he was the one driving.
"Ex-con" and I left the station. We walked around town trying to find a place we could lay our head without getting in trouble. We were able to steal a blanket off an enclosed porch, after all it was February. We found an alley that led to nowhere. I remember that it was paved with bricks. Uneven bricks. It was one of the longest nights of my life. I blamed "ex-con" for everything and broke it off with him. That's right I blamed it all on him and didn't take any responsibility for what I did.
Before I go on, I want everyone to know that true evil is about to come through me in this next part of The Story. If you have issues with forgiving for the unforgivable, please stop reading. I do understand how others can have issues for not forgiving everything. After all it took me a long time to forgive myself and to understand that God could forgive me. One of the reason's I was unable to accept being baptized for so long is because I couldn't forgive myself. I was unable to give it to God. I was able to confess it, but just unable to accept it. I am crying, just knowing that some people whom I admire will continue reading, but I need them to know why God is important to me.
Wednesday, February 29, 2012
evil
It's late and all I keep thinking about is how The Story is about to get dark. If you don't hate me yet, there is still plenty to my story.
I told my dad first. He just said, "Duh, I knew." I got fired from my job for not informing them and besides I was only a temp, and there were plenty of people to take my spot. When I told my best friend, who wasn't by this time, he set up a time to come and meet him. He met him once and was moving to Texas to go to college. I never pushed my son on him because I knew that "best friend" was trying to start his own life. After all, I was only 18 and he was only 19.
After loosing my job, I hung out at my babysitter's house allot more. I started smoking pot and drinking. Mostly drinking. I met a new guy and we just had a casual relationship, with casual sex, even though we didn't have feelings for each other. We were driving around town one day and ran into one of his friends that needed a place to crash because he just got out of prison. Why not move in with me. Two kids and a casual relationship living there already. (sarcasm) Anyway, I fell in love with the ex-con. Blind love. He played good with the kids and didn't do as many drugs as "casual relationship" did. Even though I couldn't pay my bills and finding food to feed my kids was hard, he always made it feel like everything was going to be alright.
Mom thought that she would come out to Ohio and visit. Meet the new baby and all. She was downright disgusted with what she saw. No electricity. Not much food. No money for even toilet paper. I was bald again because we had lice issues. She told me to be packed in a week. That her and my step-dad were taking me and the kids back to Pennsylvania with them. I left all other property behind and my "ex-con".
I got a job the week I moved back and started saving for "ex-con" to move to Pennsylvania with us. We landed ourselves our own place. I stopped drinking but we both still smoked pot. He was even able to get a job. We were doing very well, until we met another couple. They lived in a motel. We would go over there all the time because we didn't have heat in our house. The landlord never fixed it. We stopped paying rent on the place until he fixed the heat and he said he wouldn't fix it until he got the rent. We both lost out.
We ended up moving back to Ohio and in with "ex-cons" sister. He said that he couldn't live in Pennsylvania anymore because he was homesick. What can I say I was in "love" and my daughter called him daddy. His sister eventually told us that we couldn't stay with her and her family anymore because they would be evicted for having too many tenants. We decided to move to a motel. Not a nice one either. At the time I was the only one with a job. "Ex-con" said that nobody would hire him. I found out later that he never looked. I eventually lost my ride to and from work and there are no buses that run like they do around here. They don't even have buses. My work was over an hour away. Welcome to the middle of nowhere Ohio. I ended up losing my job.
Come to find out I was about to lose more then that.....
I lost allot of peoples trust through this part of my life. I hurt allot of people. I thank God today that most of those people have forgiven me and gave me chance after chance. If you think this is the worst of it and you aren't disgusted yet, I just want to warn you that The Story isn't over. I do urge those that have just met me or have known me for only a little while, that you remember that I am not this person anymore and even I look back at this person and become disgusted. I want to share so that you may know that even evil like this can come back to the Lord and be forgiven.
I told my dad first. He just said, "Duh, I knew." I got fired from my job for not informing them and besides I was only a temp, and there were plenty of people to take my spot. When I told my best friend, who wasn't by this time, he set up a time to come and meet him. He met him once and was moving to Texas to go to college. I never pushed my son on him because I knew that "best friend" was trying to start his own life. After all, I was only 18 and he was only 19.
After loosing my job, I hung out at my babysitter's house allot more. I started smoking pot and drinking. Mostly drinking. I met a new guy and we just had a casual relationship, with casual sex, even though we didn't have feelings for each other. We were driving around town one day and ran into one of his friends that needed a place to crash because he just got out of prison. Why not move in with me. Two kids and a casual relationship living there already. (sarcasm) Anyway, I fell in love with the ex-con. Blind love. He played good with the kids and didn't do as many drugs as "casual relationship" did. Even though I couldn't pay my bills and finding food to feed my kids was hard, he always made it feel like everything was going to be alright.
Mom thought that she would come out to Ohio and visit. Meet the new baby and all. She was downright disgusted with what she saw. No electricity. Not much food. No money for even toilet paper. I was bald again because we had lice issues. She told me to be packed in a week. That her and my step-dad were taking me and the kids back to Pennsylvania with them. I left all other property behind and my "ex-con".
I got a job the week I moved back and started saving for "ex-con" to move to Pennsylvania with us. We landed ourselves our own place. I stopped drinking but we both still smoked pot. He was even able to get a job. We were doing very well, until we met another couple. They lived in a motel. We would go over there all the time because we didn't have heat in our house. The landlord never fixed it. We stopped paying rent on the place until he fixed the heat and he said he wouldn't fix it until he got the rent. We both lost out.
We ended up moving back to Ohio and in with "ex-cons" sister. He said that he couldn't live in Pennsylvania anymore because he was homesick. What can I say I was in "love" and my daughter called him daddy. His sister eventually told us that we couldn't stay with her and her family anymore because they would be evicted for having too many tenants. We decided to move to a motel. Not a nice one either. At the time I was the only one with a job. "Ex-con" said that nobody would hire him. I found out later that he never looked. I eventually lost my ride to and from work and there are no buses that run like they do around here. They don't even have buses. My work was over an hour away. Welcome to the middle of nowhere Ohio. I ended up losing my job.
Come to find out I was about to lose more then that.....
I lost allot of peoples trust through this part of my life. I hurt allot of people. I thank God today that most of those people have forgiven me and gave me chance after chance. If you think this is the worst of it and you aren't disgusted yet, I just want to warn you that The Story isn't over. I do urge those that have just met me or have known me for only a little while, that you remember that I am not this person anymore and even I look back at this person and become disgusted. I want to share so that you may know that even evil like this can come back to the Lord and be forgiven.
Secrets and lies
Mom used to say that I always wanted to help the underdog. I guess this is one of those times. I called up my mom and told her that my friend and I were both kicked out, even though it was just her. I knew that my mom wouldn't let me go out onto the street and that she would take in my friend Kristal also. After all Kristal was my mom's best friends' niece.
Kristal thought that it was too boring at the house one night and decided to take a walk into town. She was hit by a car along the way. It hurt her but she was alright and decided to move in with her aunt at that point. Situation update; living back at home with Mom and my step-dad, whom I ran away from when I was 17. It was allot harder this time because I didn't have my brother living there. He was living in Ohio with my dad.
When I would call Dad he would plead with me to come out and live with him, but I had a secret. I was pregnant again and knew how he felt last time. I was too scared to tell anyone that I was pregnant. I didn't know who the father was, how far along I was, and how others were going to react this time around. My step-dad and I finally had a breaking point and I called Dad.
I moved in with Dad, his new wife, and my brother. I loved Dad's new wife. I continued to keep my secret. I was able to get a job and find a trailer for my daughter and I to rent. I found a babysitter also. She was super nice and had grand kids herself. She just had one quirk and that's when I entered a new world. She sold marijuana right out of her house. Besides the obvious, I thought she was great with my daughter and was cheap. I had no friends when I moved out to Ohio, so when I had any free time, I would spend it at their house. I didn't at the time partake in the pot. I think they were amazed at that. Every time I met somebody else, they all seemed to smoke.
Anyway, back to my secret. Dad always suspected, but I always assured him by saying " if I was I would know it". At my job, my boss pulled me to the side and asked and I had told him no. Nobody seemed to push the issue. I even started dating a guy from my work, we had sex and he never asked me. I just kinda forgot about being pregnant. Sad. One morning at around six-thirty, my water broke and I had to tell my date that I was pregnant and had to go to the hospital. He was surprised, but not mad.
I got to the hospital, which was 12 miles from my house, and told them that I was going to have a baby. They started asking me questions but I told them that I needed to push him out. They immediately rushed me to a room and told me to wait for the doctor to get there before I start pushing. To be honest I don't know if she was there or not, but I do remember telling them that I wasn't waiting and that somebody needed to catch him.
It should of been a magical moment, but all I kept thinking was how I was going to tell people. Dad, work, my son's dad. When I found out that my son was to term, it became super easy to narrow down that it was my best friends.
It is never a good idea to tell lies. Secrets are lies. It was suppose to be my son's day and all I could think of was myself. I never knew who to turn to,where to go. Believe me I did pray to God, but never knew which god. I hated him very much though. It had to be all his fault, right? No. My actions. My free will.
Until next time....
Kristal thought that it was too boring at the house one night and decided to take a walk into town. She was hit by a car along the way. It hurt her but she was alright and decided to move in with her aunt at that point. Situation update; living back at home with Mom and my step-dad, whom I ran away from when I was 17. It was allot harder this time because I didn't have my brother living there. He was living in Ohio with my dad.
When I would call Dad he would plead with me to come out and live with him, but I had a secret. I was pregnant again and knew how he felt last time. I was too scared to tell anyone that I was pregnant. I didn't know who the father was, how far along I was, and how others were going to react this time around. My step-dad and I finally had a breaking point and I called Dad.
I moved in with Dad, his new wife, and my brother. I loved Dad's new wife. I continued to keep my secret. I was able to get a job and find a trailer for my daughter and I to rent. I found a babysitter also. She was super nice and had grand kids herself. She just had one quirk and that's when I entered a new world. She sold marijuana right out of her house. Besides the obvious, I thought she was great with my daughter and was cheap. I had no friends when I moved out to Ohio, so when I had any free time, I would spend it at their house. I didn't at the time partake in the pot. I think they were amazed at that. Every time I met somebody else, they all seemed to smoke.
Anyway, back to my secret. Dad always suspected, but I always assured him by saying " if I was I would know it". At my job, my boss pulled me to the side and asked and I had told him no. Nobody seemed to push the issue. I even started dating a guy from my work, we had sex and he never asked me. I just kinda forgot about being pregnant. Sad. One morning at around six-thirty, my water broke and I had to tell my date that I was pregnant and had to go to the hospital. He was surprised, but not mad.
I got to the hospital, which was 12 miles from my house, and told them that I was going to have a baby. They started asking me questions but I told them that I needed to push him out. They immediately rushed me to a room and told me to wait for the doctor to get there before I start pushing. To be honest I don't know if she was there or not, but I do remember telling them that I wasn't waiting and that somebody needed to catch him.
It should of been a magical moment, but all I kept thinking was how I was going to tell people. Dad, work, my son's dad. When I found out that my son was to term, it became super easy to narrow down that it was my best friends.
It is never a good idea to tell lies. Secrets are lies. It was suppose to be my son's day and all I could think of was myself. I never knew who to turn to,where to go. Believe me I did pray to God, but never knew which god. I hated him very much though. It had to be all his fault, right? No. My actions. My free will.
Until next time....
Tuesday, February 28, 2012
sex becomes casual
I think some women wonder how others can become so casual about sex. It can happen when other people become more important then oneself. I thought that if I started dating my best friend, who was also friends with "true love", "true love" would see that being with me was still great. He would surely see how happy "best friend" was. If anything it gave me opportunities to see "true love" almost all the time. I should have gotten the hint when "true love" found a new girlfriend. She was a churchgoer, had an awesome car, and considering I shaved my head, she was also more beautiful.
I became so angry with "true love". He didn't love me anymore and I was so tired of fighting with him to see his daughter. One night I thought I would really make him angry with me. You know, give him a reason. I slept with his best friend, which made his best friend late to pick him up. No matter if he wanted to tell him or not, he could figure it out for himself. Pure evil coursed through these veins. It did make him really mad but it solved nothing. I gave up at that point. Nothing between us was never going to be right.
I made friends with the manager at the restaurant I worked at. She fell in love with my daughter and asked if I wanted to be her roommate. I jumped all over that. It is expensive raising a baby by myself. I was too proud to go for child support. After all, was it his fault that I chose to not give her up for adoption? We had allot of fun. Movies, shopping and talking about work. I had a real friend.
There was another girl that worked with us and after talking to my roommate, she agreed to let her move in with us. She wasn't too happy about it, but she allowed it. The other girl was super nice but she was dirty. We started getting roaches and lice in our apartment. She was also allowing this guy, who we agreed wasn't allowed in the home, over every time we weren't there. My roommate kicked her out with no place to go. I felt responsible for this girl. Should have realized that the only one I should have been responsible for at the time was my daughter. I did not however.
Not putting my child first was the first sign of me not being a good mom and somebody should have stepped in at that time. I get so angry when parents say that it is nobody elses business on how they raise their children, but we need to understand that it takes more then one or two to raise children. I am always open to ideas on how to raise my kids. I pray that people call me out when I am not doing good enough. That is one of the greatest things that I love about my mother-in-law. After all look at the man she raised.
Please continue reading.....ask questions about so far, but I will continue on what's to come.
Thank you for all of your support through The Story.
I became so angry with "true love". He didn't love me anymore and I was so tired of fighting with him to see his daughter. One night I thought I would really make him angry with me. You know, give him a reason. I slept with his best friend, which made his best friend late to pick him up. No matter if he wanted to tell him or not, he could figure it out for himself. Pure evil coursed through these veins. It did make him really mad but it solved nothing. I gave up at that point. Nothing between us was never going to be right.
I made friends with the manager at the restaurant I worked at. She fell in love with my daughter and asked if I wanted to be her roommate. I jumped all over that. It is expensive raising a baby by myself. I was too proud to go for child support. After all, was it his fault that I chose to not give her up for adoption? We had allot of fun. Movies, shopping and talking about work. I had a real friend.
There was another girl that worked with us and after talking to my roommate, she agreed to let her move in with us. She wasn't too happy about it, but she allowed it. The other girl was super nice but she was dirty. We started getting roaches and lice in our apartment. She was also allowing this guy, who we agreed wasn't allowed in the home, over every time we weren't there. My roommate kicked her out with no place to go. I felt responsible for this girl. Should have realized that the only one I should have been responsible for at the time was my daughter. I did not however.
Not putting my child first was the first sign of me not being a good mom and somebody should have stepped in at that time. I get so angry when parents say that it is nobody elses business on how they raise their children, but we need to understand that it takes more then one or two to raise children. I am always open to ideas on how to raise my kids. I pray that people call me out when I am not doing good enough. That is one of the greatest things that I love about my mother-in-law. After all look at the man she raised.
Please continue reading.....ask questions about so far, but I will continue on what's to come.
Thank you for all of your support through The Story.
Monday, February 27, 2012
waking up confused
Somebody last week told me that their dad told them not to drink, while holding a beer. As parents, we need to lead by example. I was taught that I shouldn't have sex with my boyfriend, but my parents weren't shy about it at all. It would make me so mad and I don't know why. They were married and adults but it use to make me so mad when they would just have sex in the middle of the day, or were so loud that it would keep you awake. They also talked about it to all their friends.
It took me awhile before I realized that that wasn't normal. I think it was when I met Jason. I was 20 when I met him. I even compared him and his family to the Brady Bunch.
I was 13 when I met my first true love. We started having sex when we both were 14. It was so easy to find time. His mom was always out on dates. When she would get back, she would tell him to stay downstairs because she brought somebody home and didn't want him to know she had kids. We were unsupervised allot. My parents didn't seem to mind that I would hang out at his house all day long. I just had to be home by 5 during the school season or dark in the summertime. My parents starting having marriage problems and little by little they seemed to not care at all what I was doing. At 15, it was great! We were a "real couple".
That "real couple" had a real wake up call. At 16, I became pregnant. I felt so alone. My true love wanted me to put her up for adoption. Dad wanted me to abort. Mom seemed kinda excited about the baby coming. I stayed in school throughout my pregnancy. I was always a good student and loved school. I had that baby girl in the summer of 1998. I attempted to stay in school through my sophomore year, but quit a month in. I hated being picked on. They would say things like, "be careful she is looking for a baby's daddy" or "do you know she has a kid at home, what a slut". I couldn't handle being in school all day and coming home to a baby. I chose to get a job in the evening, so my mom could watch her. She worked during the day.
I think I will stop with that today....
The reason for telling my story is to hopefully bring people to understand that we can change. We can get right with the Lord. I want everyone to know that no matter how long the journey of life is there is a reason.
It took me awhile before I realized that that wasn't normal. I think it was when I met Jason. I was 20 when I met him. I even compared him and his family to the Brady Bunch.
I was 13 when I met my first true love. We started having sex when we both were 14. It was so easy to find time. His mom was always out on dates. When she would get back, she would tell him to stay downstairs because she brought somebody home and didn't want him to know she had kids. We were unsupervised allot. My parents didn't seem to mind that I would hang out at his house all day long. I just had to be home by 5 during the school season or dark in the summertime. My parents starting having marriage problems and little by little they seemed to not care at all what I was doing. At 15, it was great! We were a "real couple".
That "real couple" had a real wake up call. At 16, I became pregnant. I felt so alone. My true love wanted me to put her up for adoption. Dad wanted me to abort. Mom seemed kinda excited about the baby coming. I stayed in school throughout my pregnancy. I was always a good student and loved school. I had that baby girl in the summer of 1998. I attempted to stay in school through my sophomore year, but quit a month in. I hated being picked on. They would say things like, "be careful she is looking for a baby's daddy" or "do you know she has a kid at home, what a slut". I couldn't handle being in school all day and coming home to a baby. I chose to get a job in the evening, so my mom could watch her. She worked during the day.
I think I will stop with that today....
The reason for telling my story is to hopefully bring people to understand that we can change. We can get right with the Lord. I want everyone to know that no matter how long the journey of life is there is a reason.
just a thought aloud
I want to write a book, but they say that you need lots of money,an education, or just a lot of time. You may be wondering why I want to write a book, or you may be thinking, "Hey, who doesn't?" I want to write it so that people aren't so curious about me. So maybe some would stop making things up like, "She probably..." or "She must have.."
Sometimes when I tell people about myself, I don't say enough. That always leads to more questions. Sometimes it's too much of one thing and then I don't get asked fro clarification. Thus comes, "She must have..."
I have lost friends from telling them about my life. I might have purposely pushed them away. If people never get close then I never have to explain who I am or where I came from. On the flip side, I have gained friends from telling my whole story. My husband being one.
Writing a book about myself brings other to the front. Whether good or bad I can see how others have a problem with that. It is the main reason for not telling allot of my life to people. As I get older though, I do become stronger. My strength is not my own. Thank you for taking time out to read thus far. I pray that you come back and read My Story as I write it.
To be continued.....
Sometimes when I tell people about myself, I don't say enough. That always leads to more questions. Sometimes it's too much of one thing and then I don't get asked fro clarification. Thus comes, "She must have..."
I have lost friends from telling them about my life. I might have purposely pushed them away. If people never get close then I never have to explain who I am or where I came from. On the flip side, I have gained friends from telling my whole story. My husband being one.
Writing a book about myself brings other to the front. Whether good or bad I can see how others have a problem with that. It is the main reason for not telling allot of my life to people. As I get older though, I do become stronger. My strength is not my own. Thank you for taking time out to read thus far. I pray that you come back and read My Story as I write it.
To be continued.....
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